Make is the
magic word. Writing…never heard of
it. It’s still in your mind, get rid of
it right now because you won’t need it to write a bestseller! How is that possible you say? Just by following these three simple steps:
Step 1. Writing: Now when I mean make a bestseller, I mean think of it as a pure writing experience. Don’t think about the words; just write down your story. Write like you talk. Never use “big words”. Use words that everyone can understand. Speak English (fifth grade level maximum). People don’t want to read a book just for thinking; they want to read it just for the hell of it. It’s like watching mindless TV, but you’re reading instead and it’s sort of good for you. Call it mindless reading. But don’t let your reader know that. And if you think that by using elementary words won’t fly among your adult audience, then format the novel so that it’s 500-1,000 pages long. That will keep them busy for a while. And if someone bad mouths your book for its “simplicity” well then you can introduce them to everyone’s best friend named “Sue”.
Step 2. Plot and characters: I’m going to kill two birds with one stone here. First, make your plot as simple as possible. Watch a couple of movies that were not books once, and “borrow” their plot. Shape it however you want and you got a bestseller idea there. People don’t want to read about difficult stuff. They want to read about stuff that is interesting and happening right now. And they want action. They want romance, erotica style. Americana stuff. So make sure that your book has 1% thinking, 49% romance, and 50& Hollywood action. As for the characters, make your protagonist the center of attention. As for the supporting characters: who cares about them? Actually, make everyone more interesting than your protagonist. That way, readers won’t get sick and tired of always having to read about the protagonist. And your protagonist must always fall in love, even if it doesn’t make sense in the novel. Trust me on this one; this is where the Benjamins will come rolling in. Your ending should be happy as possible. Your reader just spent a day reading your whole novel; reward them with a happy ending.
Step 3. Genre: Pick any genre you want, just follow the 2 steps above. I recommend a combination of romance, erotica, a dash of sci fi, and some good old fiction. Throw in the magical letters “YA” if you’re going up against a literary agent.
I know you will face a lot of “haters” when you do publish this book. Just remember this: when your book goes numero uno on those shiny charts, get a copy of your book and shove it in their faces. And if they are still looking down on you for writing “generic garbage” throw some single hundred dollar bills on the floor and tell them you have so much money you don’t even know what to do with it. Or get your best friend called “Sue” and tell the judge your suffering from psychological problems. Money won’t be a problem when you have a bestseller on your side.
Still not convinced? Just look at other bestsellers. They have used the same similar concepts. The only difference between them and you is that they knew the publishing business (which is a whole different department). Besides that, they are normal breathing good people just like the rest of us.
Now that you have the right tools to succeed, go out there and make a bestseller. Actually go out there and make 3 bestsellers, self publish them, and edit them later as you make another set of 3 bestsellers. Remember, this is all about you and only you. So stop reading and get out there and make the big bucks already.
(How not to write)
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